I would have an issue with rewarding with sweets because I do think that is setting up an unhealthy relationship with things which are bad for you. D and S certainly get their share of junk and chocolate but always because they’ve asked for it while we’re someone selling it, I happen to have enough money to buy it at the time and they haven’t already had loads of sweet stuff that day, never as a reward for ‘being good’. I think loads of adults have massive food issues as a result of treating ourselves for ‘being good’ with something bad for us.

I don’t necessarily agree with all of us work for money or we are all goal driven too and both of those ideas are ones we talk about lots here because I do believe we can unpick them further and find other ways of living.

But, all that said, clearly all of this is working wonders for SB. She is acheiving what she sets out to do, getting satisfaction in seeing her tick boxes filled up and getting a mars bar into the bargain. It is being driven by and requested by her so if she is already able to identify her motivator, set her own goals and achieve them then that is all good.

I can’t imagine “thank you for inviting us to watch” would have soothed the bruise and would have made me feel rubbish but on the other hand i do actually believe in effort more than results and think that praise for that is well worth it. And then, i wouldn’t have patronised her by telling her she was brilliant and the judges were all wrong either.

That said, there was a dad stood next to me who had promised his daughter a dsi if she got a medal. Not sure i really thought i would have done that either – it smacked too much of “please me” although it equally might not have been (who am i to judge?!) – the joy of the competition was in doing her best for Fran, not getting something other than the feel of that for itself.

Which is not to say i disagree with the mars bar – we do all work to goals and children don’t always have the mechanisms always for providing it. If she successfully negotiated it and both sides agree it is a fair price, why not?

The idea is not to try to interfere with intrinsic motivation.

We did 20ps for a while, we don’t any more because it faded. Not sure where the change occurred but it did. Doing well became an internal thing.

Am not a Alfie Kohn fan – we’re all different and children and adults need different things at different times – following their lead and adapting to individuals needs seems a far better plan. My children like to know i have listened and looked and paid attention and you know, what do you say? “yes but i refuse to comment”? Most people would take that as a negative criticism. I’ve gone for honest praise coupled with constructive criticism and some reward for effort more than success.

Really don’t think this makes you a bad person!