i didn’t do science, but SB did latin, and the children all did fab artwork with egg shell mosaics. what a fab idea that was. BB doing a turtle, and SB an E with some additional paint. such different takes on how to do it as well. i mostly cuddled BB as she did hers. my kids don’t like me unhappy, and i think that is worse for them that Aunty Viv dying. I got to chill with v sensitive and lovely friends - thankyou x x

at home we did another fab djeco kit - the paul klee one, aimed at aged 10+ it took as a while to work out how to do it nicely, as i have no talents at all!! but really got us going with another technique, and today, when the girls have done the second one each, it is clear that they have learned a lot from it as well as it being really enjoyable - call it occupational therapy! so i bought some more craft kits…

don’t worry sis, we’re grieving hard now, but we will make it and you will live on in our thoughts and hearts. x x miss you.

whilst i was away last week, SB had holiday orchestra [the i key seems to have retunred] which she realy enjoyed. she dd training wind band, djembe drumming and gamelan and said all was fab, though cut her fingers with the djembe drumming. she got to have a sleepover with friends as well, which she was also v happy about, and has been talking about her friend r this and that since :). BB instead did a trampolining course that she was also v happy about.

we spent the weekend at mum and dad’s, where they played with their cousins. SB had made a cake for me at nanna’s before, and iced it for me. SHe is really a darling girl.

i have been not v good to them, tho have tried to explain why and hug alot, but have no patience with screetching or moaning or whinging currently. the present rule is if i am on my laptop or outside with the rabbits, please ignore me! i have managed to ds with bb and sort out both her pokemon [requres her to read ] and animal crossing. I did a recorder and piano practice with SB, and have snuggled with both of them.

Today i tried really hard, and managed to do a craft with them as well, and we all enjoyed it. girls mosty treating me as if made from spun crystal, and likely to shatter at any time. wish it wasn’t the truth .

nearly forgot to explain the title! skittles is not a female rabbit, consequently we have 4 kits in the nest. BB absolutely ecstatic!

we love you

She was the sister I loved, played with, argued with and laughed with. we were chalk and cheese over many things, yet had many things in common. we had music and our kids to bind us together, and being part of an embracing family. She was prettier and on the whole nicer, with a generous spirit and love. She was also grumpier!

I saw her last last weekend when I was deciding to go to a conference in canada. i was fairly certain i wouldn’t go, but when I was there she told me not to be so silly and to go, and bring her back something nice. In my heart and head I knew it would be a risk, but thought it would prob be OK, only 5 days after all. And I knew not to go when she asked me to would fail her, that she would know that i thought her death too imminent, so I went. By thurs i knew I was too far away for too long, though got no messages from home, but my heart was clutching with anxiety. i had a friday call from chris, which didn’t say anything was wrong. but by the time i queued for the plane i was agitated and worried. By then, she had slipped away. my mum and dad, her husband and children were present as she breathed her last. that morning she had said her last words, which were to her husband ‘have fun today’ which i think are pretty damn cool last words, though they are making me cry. I think most things will be making me cry for quite some time. Knowing for so long someone is going to die, and grieving for so long about it really don;t appear to lesson the awful grief now.

on the plane home I knew with certainty that when i switched my mobile on in baggage reclaim i would find that she had died. It was prophetic. I sat down on a chair, switched it on and saw 7 messages of condolence. most of my family had not contacted me, having decided dad would tell me when he drove me home, but those that didn’t know… several nice strangers offered me tissues and steered me sobbing to the right exit.

i saw her in the chapel of rest. she looked no different to less than a week ago. asleep perhaps, but her lips were pursed up in the way she did just before she asked for a cup of tea. she looked like she was still alive and thinking. It broke my heart anew.

so we are all struggling, my brother in law to hold things together, clutching at his children to keep the need to keep going onwards, his children, in shock and barely believing she won’t come back [a position i find myself in too] and my parents, who are about to bury a child. You just shouldn’t be predeceased by your children. They hurt with every pore in their body. It is just too hard.

I don’t plan to write many sobbing posts, I plan to make little steps that will lead me from here to a place where the sun can rise without me crying that this is another day my sister won’t see, to a future where between us all, my brother in law and my niece and nephew are whole and can carry on in life with beautiful memories and sadness also, but on the edge, rather than all we can see or feel. Thankyou for al the texts and messages. i can’t quite answer them, but i am v greatful for them.

things we did well!

so this week started well, lots and lots of crafting, ds-ing, playing. also sewing, singing and science. We have tried to make this week as busy and fun as possible. we visited the raptor centre and looked at the flights, we went to the cinema, we had a BBQ had fav food, read books, watch cd’s and generally cheer lead.

things that could have done better!

E’s broken foot meant no trampolining to provide a focus for the little ones. M broke his arm on tues playing football at barracudas - aargh!! so a and e and fracture clinics in the week. and poor SB got bullied mercilessly, so didn’t go back after the wed. she tried hard to manage there, but they weren’t letting go, and we decided that it wasn’t worth it i hate it that she gets bullied, she is a soulful, gentle child with a quirky personality and just doesn’t get why ppl do it, and gets hurt to the quick

so we had 2 children worried about their mum, both with broken bones and v wobbly moods, 1 feeling sad and bullied, and also i had a v difficult, stressful and long working week as well as being worried about my sister and about the 4 children who we have tried to keep a balance for. to say I am currently a small camel is understating things!

i hope we have managed to give the children a bit of joy this week, amongst managing them. I am not sure what the next week will bring them, and us. I am not sure i have managed as well as i could have done, and could do with a weekend of peace! but will drive to see sis, and decide whether i can go ahead with the conference i should be attending on mon. i need to breathe i think, but there seems to be no air to spare.

SO far we have done some mosaic kits - the lion one doesn’t seem to be available any more, but E and BB loved doing that one, and M and SB had a great time doing the fish one. It was easy and straightforward to do whilst camping, and they didn’t have to concentrate so hard that they couldn’t chat loads!

The next kit is the rather adorable 5 continents mandala sand kit. we divvied up the designs with some slight nudging, so that E was doing one of the simpler ones [with my mum] i initially assisted BB, but actually she was fine. M is doing his so very carefully, and SB did the african one first as she just loved it so [and it is gorgeous] and now the american. i love how the designs actually do reflect the continents, and we had a huge long discussion about that, since mum has visited them all, and i have i guess too, so we could chat about places, native styles to there etc. I love how the actual kit was designed so well, and I also love how beautiful the end product looks. BB and M haven’t quite finished their first, and SB their second, but they are coming back each day to do some more, and really, they are beautiful. BB has requested one for her birthday!

[pics to follow]

The third kit we have on the go [rofl!] are the jewelled animals stitching cards Having originally got it with BB in mind [due to the lizard] i then thought it actually looked perhaps a bit more tricky. but we got it out, and i broke it down to starting with the ‘easier bits’ and BB happily sewing sequins on the lizard, and E enthralled with the chameleon. she hasn’t really done much sewing, and this is really grabbing her imagination. i have to admit to getting more sequins out for E, as she loves glitter, and i think it is adding to her enjoyment having it overkill sparkly. however, i think for most children, they would be happy with the original design! again a really well thought out, and beautifully made craft kit. photos to come, and also perhaps another 1 or 2 kits this week - though also doing other crafty non djeco things, as the kits do come at a price.

bottom line, as a ‘treat’ craft kit or present, i would definitely recommend!

BB has busied herself with lots of crafting and also writing. Explode the code continues to be popular, and she also had fun writing a list of words in ‘fairy writing’ copying the style of SB’s surprise sleep fairy present to her. ALso some sewing. i must ask merry where she got the big holed binca from as BB v keen to do more of it.

Both SB and BB made some lovely fimo jewelry for a friend who is off to france en famille for 6 months. SB’s took hours - literally - as she did cane work or mille fiore i think it might be called? and made some ace beads. I love how when she has an idea for a task she really sits down and concentrates. she did a great job with loads of love in each bead BB loved the bracelet she made so much that she hasn’t quite managed to part with it… BB did however make me 4 bead caterpillars and wrapped them up beautifully as an extra birthday present - awww, how gorgeous! ANd sb bought us all an icecream treat I do feel v blessed in my family.

SB has also had another pretty productive home ed week, working on galore park books as well, her writing skills seem to be really coming on now, and she makes a concerted effort at spelling as well. she has read loads, we have story of the worlded all snuggled up, she has done me loads of clarinet and viola concerts

wed was latinetc, last of last academic year i guess! lovely that merry and girls were there and we all got stuck right in. science was chemistry, using our ‘mystery’ chemical - obtained from watering our wood fire to put it out, and collecting and diluting that water… [and testing that it wasn't caustic!] we reminded ourselves on pH, what that meant, acids and bases/alkali. also using litmus papers pink and purple, and then mixing varying amounts of our acid [trusty acetic acid] and mystery alkali [almost certainly potassium hydroxide] ad showing that although our base was more alkali than our acid was acidic [pH13 vs pH3] that the acid neutralised the base such that most outcomes were neutral or acidic. and then, because i love chemstry, we added equal amounts of our base to a saturated solution of copper sulphate, this probably gave us copper hydroxide - it is certainly supposed to, but reading round the internet suggests that actually this doesn’t always do it! luckilly it did precipitate out and was rather cool all round. we then discussed solubility etc etc. lots of ‘real words’ bandied about, double displacement etc. i just want the terms to all seem familiar and normal really. we filtered the solid… science wasn’t the only thing, latin, french, music theory, clarinet for SB, and then a fair bit of art - was supposed to be nature, but BB had a wobbly, so did dinosaurs instead, and had a bit of a wobbly over that too! lovely session tho.

ANother good bit of news is that BOTH girls now have blue peter badges. SB has a green one, and BB has the ‘blue’ one [tho we agree it is white!] since she is under 6, she will get the card to go with it when we apply after 6. thanks blue peter for that bit of thought and care