discombobulated

It is really difficult to put another blog post above the last one. I miss my sister so much. Grief doesn’t really go away, it just gradually stops taking over your whole being. In these last 3 years since she died, I have used so much effort to just keep going, and trying to portray a normal woman, not one who every morning considers slashing her wrists so she just doesn’t have to make the effort any more. To be a normal mother, to be a normal working woman, and have totally failed in the normal wife dept. Its not that I actually would slash my wrists. I love my children too much to believe their life would be better without me. I know that this too will pass. It is just that in this time, my parenting, my playing and my being here has taken a path of least resistance rather than actively persuing life and happiness. This is not a good thing, not a good example, and I am ashamed of this. Especially since the year before was similar. However, I am fallible, just like the next person, and I hope to make a change. I am just sorry that I haven’t been who I wanted to be for my girls. i do love them so very much.