a gardening we shall go

I haven’t gardened all year, i haven’t weeded, pruned, planned or planted. Some how, it became one of those things that I couldn’t do whilst my sister was living and then, finally, dying. Commenting on Merry’s blog reminded me that i can now start again, start preparing for next year, can start planning for things that will see the sun that my sister no longer can enjoy. I have paused my life really in many areas for the last 18 months or so, certainly since the time little nanny died, and my sister was told palliation only. Gradually unfurling the tendrils of interest is difficult. i would prefer just to stay in my comfort zone of cuddling girls, reading books and watching stuff together, plus some crafting. I don’t want to leave the house- even to go into the garden, I don’t want to go to work – even tho once there i enjoy the actual job I do. i also don’t want to move on, plant things for a future, plan things for a future. I want to stay here, now, cocooned forever from further loss.

obviously, I know that isn’t sensible, that life goes on, that it is important to make the most of each and every day of life, because each day will only come that once. in this time i haven’t done ‘nothing’ i have lived and laughed and loved my sister, I have played with and nurtured both hers and my children, making our house a ‘homely house’ banked with the warmth of love against the cold desolation of loss, I hope we have had warmth and welcome with our friends and family. but i haven’t extended, or suggested we pop new shoots and tendrils into new places. I think, tho, that we have prevented frost damage and die back: we may not have extended ourselves, but have still strong roots and growth potential.

So now, as this year draws to a close, I am preparing, i am getting my strength to be a full working colleague at work, We are getting bits of the garden ready so next year there isn’t a huge mountain of ‘work’ to do before we can get our hands dirty to see things grow. We are making plans for DIY within the house. And when I have strengthened myself in these easiest of areas, we shall see where roots and shoots go next.