In my working through my grief for my sister, I have dwelt on many of the happy memories from my childhood, and recalled the smells of musty halls where we got changed for concerts, and glorious summer holidays and happy family christmasses and easters. It seems that my magical childhood memories [including teens] do seem to have a lot of the music or holidays in them. I am not sure whether childhood really is the best days of your life, but for someone who was as lucky as me they really were on the whole stress free. Not perfect, and with their own angsts etc, but my loved ones were all alive and well, including little nanny’s siblings. I miss all of them, i miss the certainty of their love and the sheltering haven of my family life.
But, tho i have grieved long and hard, and continue for the loss of my sister and before her grandparents and also, somewhere along the line, the innocence and freedom of being young, I have different blessings and joys. I wouldn’t swap my current life with my family and my children to hide back in the haven of childhood, even though I would occaisionally like to be able to day trip back there. And the comfort our shared happy childhood has given me emphasises my responsibility to give my girls also that haven of childhood, a strong rock of love and emotional certainty that will give them reference points when the times get hard in the future.
I love my girls exuberant happiness, and that most of the time they can find joy in all sorts of things. I love the impression I get that they are living their lives fully, and that our choices don’t appear to be trammeling or corralling them. i hope, above all else, that what we do today, yesterday and tomorrow really does work for them, not just educationally, but emotionally, and that they too one day will be looking back with nostalgia at the happy days that we have shared.