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SO this is a quick potted history of life after dover and before calais. At the time, I couldn’t blog as either playing with the girls, sorting stuff out for SB or panicking at the enormity of what we had agreed too! We came back from our dover holiday, and immediately SB was off! She had a PGL holiday with her great friend Maddy from Patch of Puddles to go to, possibly their last one – is it 2 or 3 they have done now? They had told us they wanted a bit of adventure and to get the train there by themselves. This turned out to not have exactly been communicated between them entirely so Max went with them.

I think they had a great time for SB it was modified by badly twisting her ankle on the first day and not being able to walk properly meant she couldn’t do all the activities and I had to ring them several times to get her medication, as they had confiscated the stash of paracetamol and ibuprofen i had given her [hidden in a packet of plasters] next time she won’t let them see the painkillers! she is more than sensible enough to be able to sort out analgesia. Anyway, when she returned she seemed to have had a fab time, made friends and loved spending more time with Maddy, who is now at school, so not such an opportunity to meet. [and of course none for 6 months whilst sb in france!]

During that week we had BB at home, mostly minecrafting! We had Josie from Patch of puddles for a sleepover with BB, as they are very much great buds, and again with going to school etc, BB will see less of J in the future, so seemed a making hay whilst the sun shines moment I think they had a great time, even with a fair bit of minecraft I do have pics on my phone, but it is refusing to talk with computers or flickr, so not sure when I will be able to add! On the weds we had loads of friends over – merry et al from PoP, Jax and co from liveotherwise and TheBabs and family, ostensibly to do some history – theme Napoleon – but mostly to play with each other and have a great time together as next year a bit of a year of changes. The kids seemed v happy together, so we adults mostly chatted in the garden

SB back at home we spent the time just being together as a family, baking, crafting, talking, laughing, loving and playing games. Also manically sorting her wardrobe for 6 months in france, making sure all weather extremes covered. Deep Breath! We spent a day with kfish saying goofbye to 6, who finishing her en famille exchange was back to France. we nearly forgot to get ready for a party…

my dad paid a flying visit

and so did a bat!

we had our annual summer party, this year themed as france. loads of lovely friends visited, to chat, say goodbye to sb, give us comforting words of wisdom and we had a great time. Thankyou all it was a great way to spend her last weekend in England .kids played some complex whodunnit mystery game, we adults sat too near the food and chatted…

the blog, like me, has a deep inbreath. i just haven’t managed to blog the things we have done because we are all waiting. waiting for SB to start her adventure. She says she is 12 out of 10 excited and 12 out of 10 nervous. sounds about right! however she is definitely committed, she has read all the info, she plans to get the most she can from the exchange, being part of a new family, culture and life. I am surprisingly relaxed about the practicalities of it. The family seem lovely on skype and paper, think they will care for SB and that she will be happy. Personally i am on the edge of tears with this goodbye hovering in the near future. I will miss her enormously, it is a little heartbreak her leaving us. I am proud that she has the confidence to do this though. BB is all over the place. She is going to have the hardest adjustment, but we shall make it work for her too.
Good luck SB

in march, when it was cold, just at the tail end of some snow, we went to a seaside holiday in kent. slightly crazy! v cold, but whilst there i told my dad that the chalet park might be a good place for a family summer holiday. never one to let the grass grow under his feet he booked it up whilst we were still there, leading me to make some urgent texts and calls to work to book the leave! I was then a bit worried that it wouldn’t be perfect and people would be disappointed. I was wrong, it was utterly perfect

there were obviously some sadnesses, vivien isn’t with us for a start! that BIL and Z decided not to come for the week or even the first weekend.

So anyway, reading reports of the site, you def need to choose your chalets with care, tho most looked fine from the outside. ours – 67 and 68 are lovely, well maintained and have had double glazing added since we were there in March. the site was still relatively quiet – ie it had the usual hub of noise to be expected rather than loads of radios blaring and shouting etc. the swimming pool was less busy that i thought it would be . having a patio at the back as well as a grassy area at the front [and the big communal areas] meant plenty of space around the chalets to lounge in the sun or hide in the shade, or do some pebble painting.

when we got there, we all went in the pool straight away, the cousins were ecstatic to see each other, and i was v happy to see mum and dad too we did LOTS of swimming in the pool, with me going every time, and then often one of mum, dad or dh with me as well [tho not always] and i learnt to header a beach ball – rofl! and surprise my nephew by being v v good at piggy in the middle ball games

we also went to the beach a lot. the beaches near us were all predom pebbles, but at low tide had some sand. At sandwich the sand was there for low to middling tide, and went out at a v shallow gradient, and we all voted it our favourite beach of the holiday . All the kids had boogie boards, and SB and BB had wetsuits too. I have to say that DH and I also went in the sea, and my parents did a bit of paddling. It was lovely! the first day that we went to sandwich after all the storms it was millpond still and there was a seal bobbing about too. perfick tho we did wish we had a kayak or 2 to mess about with. hmm, looks at ebay, shrieks at prices! the second time we went there was a little more waves for them to pretend with the boogie boards . two perfect beach days in a good, old fashioned way. no icecream vans, scarcely anyone else there , loads of shells to collect!

we also went to deal and kingsdown beaches. deal has a pretty steep shingle bank to get down to the sea, so not so easy, but was lovely after visiting deal castle. kingsdown has a shorter bit of steep shingle, so was much easier. sandwich the best tho, even if you pay for parking.

we went to some english heritage sites too. Deal and walmer castles were always on the agenda, but richborough was added having driven to sandwich to have our only torrential daytime rain of the holiday. we are english heritage members, which makes it all v good value. we had the hand held info speakers at all 3 places, and I enjoyed listening to them but the children faded out somewhat – sb i think pretty much carried on. i think they try and put too much for everyone in, poss a full detailed/adults and a key points and interesting asides for kids versions would be better [and then i would choose the kids ] . we really enjoyed climbimg on the cannons and looking at the view in deal – well i didn;t climb on the canon, and dad was scandalised… but also the lowest level, which was wet and v dark and in places quite creepy . we also had our best icecrream for a van just outside, as the kids got to add toppings and sprinkles and it was surprisingly reasonably priced! Walmer i loved for the stunning gardens and veg patch – tho it didn’t grip the kids quite so much. SB liked the fact there was a bedroom tho. apparently when you visit castles there should always be a bedroom with a 4 poster bed. we all learnt a bit more about wellington anyway. We walked there and back from kingsdown, and it was rather hot. i noticed EVERYONE ran ahead to leave me walking with BB, who got herself even hotter railing at the too hotness of it all. luckilly it was just 20 mins each way . Richborough was fab. we all loved it there were walls to sit on and roman history to breathe in i love romans – lol!

we also went to port lympne again to make the most of the steep entry passport! took m and e, and my parents went to sissinghurst instead. i dunno, last time we went it was far too cold, this time, i think it was far too hot! quite a few animals this time hiding in the deep shade!! we were prepared, we had packed lunch so all our money could go on icecreams and slurpies so that we could keep cool. a real highlight was going in the currentky empty palace of the apes, where we could see what was inside and hear about gorrila conservation. it was great BB also got to see gorillas this time . it was too hot for all of us tho at 34, so at times the kids needed lots of encouragement = partic my nephew! but we did have a lovely day and i really like the safari, even if less animals seen than last time! oh, and BB only AN HOUR deciding in the shop. argh!

what else? well we played some games, chatted, sb painted nails, i did hair , we played badminton – including grandad, and we just loved each other and had a lovely, perfect, memories are made of this kind of fabulous family holiday. thankyou

to be honest, work here has been desultary since Kentwell. I have asked SB to try and finish her book 6 maths [which she won't do] and carry on with biology, geography and music prac, as well as duolingo french. She is mostly reading skulduggery books! hmm! BB is mostly being autonomous. however, she is reading more and more, and that is a key thing for us. SHe has begun to choose the home ed books that we have in comic or illustrated forms and read those, and she remembers what she reads. Also reading lots of the magazines. I found a piano book for each of them that has captured their fancy – a v simple christmas carol one for bb, as she likes to already know the tune [i don't think she is really reading the music...] and a v easy pop tunes one for SB. So both have done a fair bit of practice with that. we have done arting and crafting and gardening. Both girls tho have done a lot of playing together with sylvanians. SInce SB is soon to leave us for 6 months – something BB has come to understand and feel sad about – i think lots of playing together and strengthening the sisterly bond is far more valuable than bookwork. SO, holiday declared and all that.

ANyway, weds should have been history, but it was also the last chance for sb to meet up wit the local HE group before going to france, so DH had agreed we would go to that instead. it was sports day and picnic. the girls had a lovely time and enjoyed some of the races, but def the picnic and the paddling i got to catchup with gina, who i don’t see much of, and miss, as well as morag and anne [ditto] and it was scorching!!

honestly, i plan this blog to be something that speaks to me and the girls when these days are done, and instead it just reads like a shopping list. i am too busy to write for long, to self conscious to be poetical and just don’t have that magic way with writing. if only it could fall out of my head onto the page! i would like to write about the girls, the joy they give me, the heartache that i feel on occassion. the pride i have with who they are, their strengths, foibles and happinesses. i just hope that they know i have always loved them whole heartedly, that i am lucky to have had the time with them that i have [tho i resent on occassion dh having all the time in the world] and that just being us is enough.

Norfolk is one of those resonating places for me, full of family reference and love. Though Little Nanny has passed on, we have had many years of love and laughter in Norfolk, so that visiting for the weekend sounded a fabulous idea. Also we have had such brilliantly sunny weather, we thought we had better make the most of it! Britain isn’t used to such hot weather!!

So we went to a nice little campsite near Holkham on friday night and quickly got the tent up and cooked dinner. this was rather a good thing as we were under attack by cockchafers as the sun set! however, only for a short time, tho BB had the habdabs over it

the next day we went down to the beach. we were going to cycle there but it was just soooo hot, and the kids wanted to take boogie boards, so we drove to brancaster and spent the whole fabulous day there. it was a perfect beach day

the day finished we went back to the campsite, showered, ate, played a couple of games, went inside in plenty of time to avoid the cockchafers and had a good nights sleep .

After packing the next day we drove our car and parked in holkham and then took one of the cycling routes around the estate, which was wonderful.

the routes are easy to follow loops beginning [and ending] at the cafe – tho there was nothing there bb wanted to eat… however, was nice icecreams. we also visited the estate shop and sb has a new pink bag, bb a cuddly fox and i bought mums xmas pressie.

finally finished the day back at brancaster before going home. a fab mini break . it just gave me a chance to breathe ans recentre. also had a lovely time just being with the girls, laughing, teasing, swimming, cycling, messing about and just loving each other. perfectly perfect.

I made cheese and fruit scones today, and am trying to translate the recipe into french, as SB hoping to take some recipes away with her.

cheese scone recipe
350g self raising flour
100g butter
200g grated cheese
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon mustard powder
3 eggs

using a magimix mix all the ingredients bar cheese and eggs together, then add the whisked 3 eggs and cheese until you have a dough.
roll out a cm thick and cut in rings
cook at 200c for 10-12 mins

for fruit scones, remove the cheese and mustard powder and instead have 75 g of sugar with inital mix, and then add the dried fruit – for example 75g raisins – with the eggs.
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recette de scone au fromage
350g de farine fermentante
100g de beurre
Fromage râpé 200g
1 cuillère à café de levure chimique
1 cuillère à café de moutarde en poudre
3 oeufs

en utilisant un mélange Magimix tous les ingrédients bar fromage et les œufs, puis ajouter les battus 3 oeufs et le fromage jusqu’à obtention d’une pâte.
déployer un cm d’épaisseur et couper en rondelles
cuire à 200C pendant 10-12 minutes

pour des scones aux fruits, enlever le fromage et la moutarde en poudre et la place que 75 g de sucre avec un mélange inital, puis ajoutez les fruits secs – par exemple 75g de raisins secs – avec les oeufs.

It is really difficult to put another blog post above the last one. I miss my sister so much. Grief doesn’t really go away, it just gradually stops taking over your whole being. In these last 3 years since she died, I have used so much effort to just keep going, and trying to portray a normal woman, not one who every morning considers slashing her wrists so she just doesn’t have to make the effort any more. To be a normal mother, to be a normal working woman, and have totally failed in the normal wife dept. Its not that I actually would slash my wrists. I love my children too much to believe their life would be better without me. I know that this too will pass. It is just that in this time, my parenting, my playing and my being here has taken a path of least resistance rather than actively persuing life and happiness. This is not a good thing, not a good example, and I am ashamed of this. Especially since the year before was similar. However, I am fallible, just like the next person, and I hope to make a change. I am just sorry that I haven’t been who I wanted to be for my girls. i do love them so very much.

and miss you. this should have been your 42 birthday x x