is a very hard thing to do. SB has decided she most definitely doesn’t want to play the violin any more. i am feeling more dumped and devastated by this than i thought i would. i aim to educate with SB so that she follows her dreams and desires. it is true that there are a lot of similarities between us, so perhaps i over empathise, but there are lots of differences – gym and ballet for a start! so i always have known that she will carve her own path. but her early joy in the violin was a joy for me too, and i guess i mapped out a future where we would play in orchestras together like my mum and me – something that brings me fantastic memories of joy. in fact my whole musical childhood is a joy for me. Her wanting to stop is a full stop to that joy. and she def wants to stop. so, being obviously more autonomous than i gave myself credit for, thats what we are doing, and i managed not to cry in front of her as well!! she is still keen to carry on music in the form of piano and recorder, but my heart was given to the violin! ANd you know, she was actually good at it. she had a lovely posture, hold and tone, and did it reasonably effortlessly – allowing far less practice! SO i feel that i have failed her somewhere, for her to definitely want to give up something she is good at means to me that i haven’t managed to show her the joy, maybe i am too intense? i dunno, but somewhere i have lost her the spark. i actually think it was at melrose last year, as she has been less enthusiastic since then. aargh it was supposed to be fun, and yet i ruined things for my own child. i sobbed all the way back from work about this too. useless facilitator, null points
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Helen, it is nothing you have done.
Sometimes you just can’t give someone the joy of something, it is something that just happens. She has got a lot out of playing it. That is not wasted time! That kind of deep love for a particular instrument is just something you find, and I don’t think which instrument it is, is determined by anyone but yourself.
I loved playing the recorder since I was 5. But I went through all sorts of instruments, violin, flute, clarinet, sax…all upto a reasonable standared, before I actually realised I love playing the recorder like it is an extension of myself. She’ll find her love, and you may well still be playing in orchestras together yet. You’ve given her a huge gift of music. One that goes on and on in so many different ways.
*hugs*
(urgh to so many typos, too tired to fix)
thanks em, that was def needed
I think I need to comment after a bit more thought but am worrying you are sitting there waiting for comments!
How about considering it a pause? Stop entirely, but still let her hear you play for your own enjoyment, maybe go out and see some live music, different types of music all played on violin. There are some fantastic young female violinists, maybe try and see them in action? Or you could join an orchestra yourself now and her interest may be piqued again. But all without any pressure or expectation that she will play again. You never know.
I deeply regret I never pursued any musical instrument and I attempted a lot! I have no staying power, I get bored very easily and as soon as things stop being easy I don’t want to apply myself.
My Dad has 4 children and he often expresses sadness that none of us turned into champion cyclists.
SB will have her own joyeous moments, of things such as her mum learning ballet steps alongside her to prepare her for a ballet exam. You certainly haven’t ruined things for her, you are not a useless facilitator and you don’t need to beat yourself up about it.
Lots of hugs xx
by the time i post Em has done so already. Spent too long dithering about words. Em’s is better, re-read hers. xx
nah, not sitting here waiting for comments! just not going to bed. though thankyou for the comment still. in truth, she doesn’t NEED to play the violin, i guess that is just my dream. as em would say, she has had a lot of similar joy from the recorder. it is just… but i do think we should make an effort to see more live music. i am a bit worried though that i might over pressure the piano some how. i think the recorder is truly just fun for her to learn, and she has always been keen on the piano. i just don’t want to somehow get things wrong there as well!! and it enjoyed her doing violin, and feel lost without it.
thankyou for commenting michelle.
What H didn’t say was how determined Sb was to make her point.
She hid her violin behind the back of the HW tank (if I’d not been in the kitchen underneath and heard noises i’d have had no idea where it was) and then professed not to know where it had gone. Though she did say after a little while.
I think need to give it a rest for a little while, and maybe see if she is hankering after trying something else
oh dear, we’ve never had anyone *that* committed about giving up here
Can completely understand your feelings on it Helen but I do agree with what Em said, you have and continue to give the gift of music, it doesn’t matter which instrument it is.
On the other hand, we have had the ‘I want to give up’ thing here and I’m quite hard about it. Steve and I both regret giving up our instruments in our early teens and wish we’d carried on. With Anna it was definitely a passing phase and now she goes out and buys herself t-shirts with ‘I can’t live without music’ written on them so I think we’ve got through that one
Abbie has never wanted to give up, and works hard at her flute and piano, although I must admit I think she’s probably the least musical of our three – typical that she should be the one who just gets on and practices! and she *loves* playing the recorder in orchestra.
With Joe it’s still tricky on a regular basis, but when it boils down to it what he actually means is ‘this is hard, I want to be good at it and play well with no effort involved’! Because when pushed he says he still wants to do it but just doesn’t like not being good! And so I feel that it’s something to work through rather than give up on. (interestingly we have just got new bigger violin and a very good one, credit crunch notwithstanding, and he is astounded by the difference in sound already)
But you have to make the right decision for SB and it sounds as though she really is sure about stopping violin for now. At least you can pick it up whenever you want to, because you were teaching her. Although I wonder, would she be better with a different teacher? or if there were some group things she could take part in? Sounds like a break would be good, but once you and she have got over the initial emotional response to this, perhaps you could discuss it again and see if there’s any way of taking it forward at a later date.
oops I think my comment was probably too long so it got moderated!
From what I’ve read over the years-you are most definitely not a useless facilitator! You two have given your children a wide range of activities and adventures, and a zillion opportunities to explore so many new things. Letting her follower her desires has worked well so far.
I agree with what Emma said about us all having to find that thing in life that brings us personal joy. And Michele’s comment was worthwhile too! I also tire very quickly with anything that comes too easily–maybe SB finds dance harder so every accomplishment in dance/gym is just much more rewarding to her.
a useless facilitator would hve insisted she carried on, you didn’t, that makes you a very not useless one. She still loves music, so you have succeeded in instilling that love into her, just not on the instrument you love most. That skill will still be there if she wants to pick it up again later though.
Hugs. Must be very hard, but agree with all the above. And she may well come back to it in years to come. Hats off to you for listening to her heart over yours though. Null points? I most certainly think not!
I’m being a rubbish friend as still laughing about her hiding it behind the HW tank! She’s not going to be railroaded into doing things she doesn’t want to – good sign for the teenage years?
Laughing almost as much as I was yesterday imaging S with her car fob trying to open her front door.
pants, knickers rude words left right and centre.
Ha! didn’t moderate that did you!
Though did get told off by WordPress that I was posting comments too quickly and to slow down! Never been told off by a blog before.
Gotta dash – have tennis at 3pm.
btw. Your clock is an hour out of date.
I’ve got something to say… but can i say it later?
There’s no way we can give our children our joys. They have to find their own, don’t they? There is nothing lost here. She can play the violin at any time. I have a lot of trouble with the music establishment idea that children have to slog at an instrument all through their childhood, so they can reap the rewards at some point. It killed my love of playing – three exams in two years, pressure, competition, snobbery and folding music stands conspired to eat away at my confidence. I think that happens to many, many children. So, I’d say you have definitely done the right thing.
I do understand somewhat as I have one who struggles with creative writing and that is my great joy. In the end I have come to the conclusion that I can’t bear to see anyone treat that joyous activity as a chore and so emphasise that there is no need to do it – whatever anyone says. It seems a bit mad to be saying that about the thing I love but it is true. And no-one needs to play the violin, do they?
Thinking of recorders and violins and bringing the joy of live music, we must get together with that music I bought and have a play
Even with my diminished lung capacity. Actually could bring it to Helmsley in case there is space between mulled wine and board games, if you bring your violin and anything else remotley suitable to play you might have. Just need to remember where I put it now…..mulled wine, board games and chamber music…..so not what Nic intended I’m sure.
Allie – you are so right. That is why in my teaching I discourage exam taking, unless I can see clear benefit to the individual. (funny how so many parents want you to get their kids to take exams tho!) We work towards performances, playing in public, playing for fun, developing good all round musical skills. Not exams and pressure. So many people are put off music by the ridgid and stayed ways it has been (and sadly often still is) taught. (myself included, when I was 8+ hours a day practice for music college) Of course not having taught for 3 years now that is slightly hypothetical.
That is also why that general love for music is way more lasting and enduring than anything.
I wish that I had learnt an instrument properly when I was young, rather than half heartedly, but you have given SB so much in the way of opportunities and music all around, I think you have done your very best by her and there is no more to be done.
And also a tiny muffled giggle about the hiding place!
I read this soon after you posted it but didn’t comment as I had nothing greatly valuable to say.
Neither of my children share any great passions of mine – yet – and actually I don’t share any with my parents either. I think giving SB the gift of listening to her is the most valuable gift you can give anyone, ever.
She knows the violin is there, she knows it is something she can do and do well, maybe she just also needs to know she doesn’t *have* to do it. I reckon she will very likely come back to it.
Not a useless facilitator at all Helen, but I hope you know that really. xxx
also giggled here about hiding place. I have to point out that we aren’t doing music exams, we have spent oodles of time ‘investigating’ sounds [and the violin is really good for dreadful ones at that!] and being fun, and are rather slack with practice – that said, the violin does get to a better point more quickly with some concentrated effort at the start!
anyway, yes to music at helmsley! the girls can bring recorders to mess about with in the background! and, did you ever play the oboe, as my mum has given me hers? and i’m not sure how to do the lip thingy!! [can't spell embouchure or whatever!]
and most importantly thanks everyone for commenting. i know i come across as a cross between anally retentive school marm and borderline psychotic at times
I can play an oboe. Or at least, I could very badly once a very long time ago! Bring it and I’ll show you. It feels horrible though. You have to kinda turn both lips in. I always fancied a Cor Anglais, much nicer sound than an oboe, but just could never do that double reed thing for long.
If it’s any consolation, J’s giving up the violin, too. My only real regret, though, is the hours we spent coercing him to practise – now he’s big enough to play the French horn he barely even needs reminding. SB’s still very young to play anything – Dave started the violin at 7 (and still led the Midland Youth Orchestra later), I was 15 when I took up the flute, after years of dreaming about it. All you could do is start her on her musical journey and it seems to me that you’ve done that. Keep opening the doors for her and she’ll choose the ones to run through!!
thanks gina. and welcome to the blog!
Bless you, I so know how you are feeling. You are a much better person than me as I can’t bare the children to give up anything they have invested so much time into. Though I must admit she made her point so well even I would have listened!
thanks ros. we did a last violin practice today, and i swear she still enjoyed it.
such is life though, and there is no point saying i am child led and carrying on.
I can think of lots of things but you know what, here is the one i think is best and it doesn’t focus on SB at all. BB is your most musical child, the one most likely to enjoy being in orchestras with you. Look forward to this maybe being something that will be the special BB/MB thing and let you and SB find something else instead. It is so easy to think that you and your eldest have to be the ones to do these things and to focus on some of their personality being like you and think that means all of them must be. I suspect BB will relish taking up the spot.
I’m discovering Fran isn’t really like me at all; it’s odd, but it’s freeing – and it helps a bit with her rejection of me for school. I know it must feel like SB has rejected you but if i can accept that Fran trying school means i have succeeded with her, then i think i can also see that this is a triumph of SB just being herself and growing up with a positive view of herself being in charge of herself.
I’d like to say that far more sympathetically but i am too tired. Take the sympathy as read
Much sympathy — as expressed more eloquently by others — and huge respect for the *great* facilitator that you clearly are…
SB may come back to it — or use it as a springboard to something else — and as Gina said, she’s still only little!