catching up, going nowhere.

i am limbo-ed at the moment. prob still stuck in grief, i don’t actually want time to move forward, moving me further away from nanny and her memory and love, and moving me forwards well, to somewhere i just don’t want to be considering at the moment.

however, i am determined that though i wish to be stuck in time, that i still want to love, play and grasp the day with my family. life is there to be lived to the full. i might not really be managing to, but i am trying, and i am very much hoping not to cast a gloom across family and friends.

at the weekend, we were a trifle gloomy though, going to get things from little nanny’s house. me and the girls went to entertain mum, and try and keep her going. although we had some communal weeping over family matters, we went out and about with the girls, and visited the church where she married and i was christened. the girls liked that. mum put in a prayer card. later that day the church was burgled and the silver stolen. honestly, how can people do that?

chris and dad were ably helped by Max – bless him, i’m sure he had no idea what he had signed up to!! and managed to get pretty much everything into the van and off. came back to merry’s sunday roast – giggle – atake away pizza, and had a chill out end to the day. helped keep me sane anyway.

mon was a work day for me, but the girls had sport, streetdance and then the home ed sports day – which even a few gallons of rain didn’t dampen. tho bb called down the forces of the gods when the icecream van drove off as she was waiting…

today the girls had their haircut. sb is very short and layered – and it looks utterly fab. bb’s is a bit layered but not so different.

and then we set off for little nanny’s funeral. my sister couldn’t be there, so that seemed like a huge gap. but the service was lovely. the vicar was v good actuallly – i think he is a vicar, it was a sort of c of e service at the crematorium. my nan wasn’t a church goer at all, and i have no idea if she had a belief. but, like us all, she did adore hymns. we had the lord is my shepherd, and a last minute plea from aunty margaret for i vow to thee my country. there may not have been many of us there – nanny had lost all of her closest friends, but some of her neighbours came, she has 2 remaining siblings, reggie came, but phyllis is too old to trek from newcastle, her b-i-l, uncle robert [peggy's husband] did come, and it was lovely to see him again. i gave robert and reggie big hugs, as with little nanny gone, i probably won’t meet them again. reggie i only met at aunty peggy’s funeral, but robert has been a constant. her remaining niece [liz from germany] and nephew came, as did one of their children, and obviously all of us direct descendents apart from my dear sis and family. and i think most of us sobbed our way through the ceremony, and afterwards hugged each other a lot. the girls cheered us all up afterwards by being a little too wild in the rain… and then back to little nanny’s house as a reduced gathering, where we all started to face up to life without nanny, which currently seems a bleak place to be. thankyou for all the wellwishing friends on brightkite, facebook and privately. i have been very touched.