discombobulated

having to redo appraisal after xmas. TBH, I just wish we could say i was crap, the reasoning behind it, and move onto next year, but no, we have to discuss it at great horrible length. i don’t have the strength really to keep going to work, but am doing so. Discussing last year is like pulling the plug on that strength. SO by sat I was feeling v wobbly indeed, and uncertain how i could keep putting that foot infront of the other. Yes, I have lost my sister, whom i loved dearly, but i still have more loved ones alive just as dear, and the girls more so. But somehow that loss acts like a black hole on positivity. SO Saturday a v bad day. i have no idea what happened in the morning. in the afternoon we went to see voyage of the dawn treader. i loved the cinematography, it is beautiful. Its not exactly the book, and also not entirely the film for someone wobbling – better than up tho! But on the way out i knew I was done for the day, that although I had planned a lovely evening with a good friend, i just couldn’t do it. So sorry

The girls enjoyed the film, BB not entirely well, we had taken her to GP on fri as joints and tummy hurting, he couldn’t find anything specific and thought prob post viral. But the sea serpent def scary, and they decided A and L fish wouldn’t like it.

When we returned home, I deep breathed, and we crafted. BB and I made fimo pots for family membersd. they are fab i had to soften the fimo, cos although new and sealed in pack it was really dry and flaky, and v hard to get going. I wondered if that was due to the cold? or a poor batch?? anyway, did it. SHe made 2 that night. SB dipped mixed nuts and dried mango and apricot into milk choc for grandad – he will like that we chatted and laughed, SB is good at chatting and laughing, and she is so easy to join in. heart of gold that girl <3 I love how her eyes brighten and smile, and her words become butterflies and flitter all over the place. SOmetimes she changes direction that often even she gets confused All her presents are done. i made some choc gifts for ppl at work.

SUnday, BB and I together finished her presents in the morning, but she didn’t seem quite as well. She ate a hearty lunch though watching a film. SB is v good at eggy bread SB coloured in crackers and dd something on the ‘puter. I made curry to freeze for xmas, and a bit extra for the night. SB made a really fab felt bag for BB, which i will put up pic after xmas t took her quite a while, but she did it beuatifully. BB did some leappadding – a dinosaur book. we had a film-y afternoon but BB was worrying me as v off perk, and then her tummy pain got so bad she couldn’t bear to be touched. SO we trotted off to A and E. 3 1/2 hours later we were admitted with ? appendix or mesenteric adenitis. if she wasn’t improved, a CT scan the following day. A v uncomfortable night, especially since the surgical reg came and discussed results at 3am!! BB slept tho, and by the morning looked more comfortable. unfortuntely she also had a v florid rash. At least diagnosis easier – Henoch Schonlein purpura. Urine clear tho, and pain she was getting ? intussusception. but since pretty settled prob not, but could be bowel oedema or gallbladder oedema. also pancreatitis. not sure if amylase done? crp not too high though at 35, so excludes lots of the nasties. argh for worrying still. We were observed all day, but she was grad improving, so sent home for me to keep an eye on her as beds were in high demand and all the other kids had various viral nasties we didn’t want to get in tht room!! so i took 2 more days off work so could keep good eye on her. That won’t have gone down well either. But she has been pretty ill, and i was seriously v worried about her sun night, and only as we got to mon late aft was i sure she was improving. by then work had cancelled my work the following day and said i might as well leave things as is. We were v glad to get home. tummy still sore to touch, but fever settled, arthralgia pretty much gone. we just have to watch for relapse or intussusception. and have fortnightly appts at hospital, as risk of long term kidney probs. still a bit worried about the tummy pain tbh. we did try and watch last apprentice mon night, but i fell asleep v quickly.

Anyway cosmic supply company, i don’t need to be reminded further of what i have balanced against what i have lost. I am quite clear, it is what has kept me going these last nearly 4 months and kept me trying to smile and do as i tread the path. I wish for a happy and healthy next year please.

SB popped into see BB in hosp before going to nanna’s and hopefully is having fun there. Today i have hugged and been with BB, and also cleaned the conservatory and we have put the rabbit hutch in there. the blummin rabs have eaten all the wires to the xmas lights in there tho! my parents are going to think having them in there awful, but although not snowed, the weather outside freezing -7/-8 most evenings so says my car anyway. Have also sorted the living room and finished the playroom – daddybean had done most of the job, and today mostly did dining room. after BB went to bed, i have wrapped all the presents.

the days off work mean the few presents i did will be new year presents. Determined to do better in the new year. both at work and at home. I just feel so lost sometimes. I am also determined to at least look like i am enjoying christmas hugely, to not snap and grump and hopefully, if i try hard enough, i will enjoy it. It will be our first christmas without viv, and i hope that we can provide joy for her children and stewart. mum, dad and the kids arrive tomorrow, so prob won’t blog again till after.

so, happy christmas and hoping for a happy and healthy new year to you all.