Christmas

I think we succeeded in christmas, with we adults all working v hard to make it pleasant, enjoyable for all, but especially for the children.

so, the hard bits – please feel free to skim over.

It was dreadful to be without my sister, and there was no getting away from that. All of us had lumps in throats and sparkling eyes with tears at various points, but we worked hard to be joyful. Particularly sad was little e, who had been using all her wishes for mummy to join us at christmas. If my heart hadn’t already been broken, that would have finished me. But instead, from somewhere, i found the strength to cuddle her and read her a story and then sing her to sleep all snuggled in my arms. well, i didn’t quite sing her to sleep, as she was determined to stay awake until the end of the song and then fell asleep . my mum had sadness every evening, and i ached for her upset and her loss, and yet am so proud of her also for being game to play in the day with the kids. we allowed ourselves a witching hour as it were, when just she and I. Dad is doing a bit better. B-I-L quite well, though it was a bit disconcerting to hear him using some of viv’s vocal patterns – we all manage our grief in disparate ways. I am worried about M though, as he is tending to loner activities and loner playing on the wii. so, not knowing what was for the best, I limited his loner games and wii, and offered lots of ‘alongside’ activities, so didn’t necessarily have to join in communally, but would be doing something at same table/same room where all the chatter was. And it is the second difficult christmas in a row for at least some of us adults

Good things

i think, on the whole, it was good for all of us, to connect, be a family, be surrounded by the love, and know that we were valued and wanted flaws and all, difficulties and all.
we crafted, played games, giggled, ate and gave gifts that were tangible and yet also wrapped clearly in the intangible wrapping of love. we hugged, laughed, loved and celebrated the many facets that make christmas for us, the joy of giving and receiving, the joy of making others as well as ourselves happy, the pleasure of sharing food and memory moments, but most of all the gift of a loving family.

SO, the chronology

Mum and dad brought the cousins up on wed. we grownups finished making the house shipshape – curtains and nets back up [how lovely ] etc etc. i kept an eye on children, and they enjoyed crafting – making baubles and colouring in baker ross christmas crackers, and making fimo bits to put inside them, playing games and e and bb did some choc cake baking as well, whilst SB and M made sausage rolls to our secret formula [ ] i made muffins. lots of playing with the rabbits in the conservatory for the kids. Rabbit therapy is v potent . unfotunately snowy, the rascal, does so like burrowing, and has now made a burrow through one of the foam chair cushions so with the nibbling of the wires for the xmas decs in there, we created a bunnyditz and then struggled to keep the rabbits contained all xmas, because sedna can squeeze through the holes in the wire – just – and the children loving the rabbits weakened the structure of the fencing. oh well. More crafting/baking and games playing until christmas eve, when BIL, and MIL/FIL all arrived, and it began to feel christmassy. Jobs undone were left undone. we made quick work of the xmas veg and chatted and played games after the children went to bed. we were all v disappointed not to get the big hired telescope to work. we were all disappointed in NORAD this year, and children drifted off, tho dad was v excited about it still, and disagreeing with the flight plan the kids left out some fab letters to father christmas and some hand made chocolates. [edited to add, just realised i have blogged this all twice!]

christmas day!
all the santa stockings were left downstairs by the fire, so we went down with the children to open them, and were all v happy. SB was partic pleased by the nail polish kit, and BB by her alternative of a real piece of fossilised dinosaur egg and also a dig a dinosaur out thing. both got mini microscopes too and little colouring books, some choc coins, a choc snowman, orange and walnut. oh, and a santa puppet kit

we broke for brekkie and then got back to present opening. I think they had a really good mix of present options for all 4 children, and in partic the skates, scooters and lego went down well the trampoline had arrived, but since no adult particularly felt like frostbite, we left it in the garage and instead had got quickly got an extra pressie each for the girls – a glockenspiel for BB and lego for SB, and both v happy. lots of whizzing up and down our hallway on skates or scooters ensued – a bit of a shipping hazard for getting xmas dinner on the table!!Daddybean, i think, was v happy to get the geocaching box from SB, and a new active wii game I loved the gifts the girls had made me – a mug from SB and glass from BB as well as the pandemic game and expansion. BIL gave me an ipod dock – v generously – so i will need to wrangle with itunes at some point. xmas dinner lovely, as always, and then some games, lego making, kit joining up in the afternoon. Actually was quite a chilled and relaxed Xmas this year too. lots of child mayhem, but all happilly [noisily] and joyful. So, perhaps we were given a gift of christmas cheer and a bit of solace in a hard time, for all the effort and love we put into making it work.

boxing day
was actually more of the same minus presents! skating, game playing, lego building [M got a mindstorms for xmas] rabbit cuddling, crafting, eating, laughing, and when all quiet, crying. In fact, it was all so generally good, that BIL decided to stay till weds. they have always hurried off before, so i am glad that we could give him a full and loving house to enjoy this christmas. tried some of the new wii games. a few child tiffs – mostly due to lack of sleep as all sharing a bedroom . oh, and i ccaught a tuna on animal crossing, which i rarely play, so deeply dischuffed mum! SB’s game of smallworld was great, and M played that too. Dad and BIL less impressed with pandemic, as prefer directly confrontational games but happy with puerto rico and alhambra. BB liked her giro galippo until she didn’t win since it is her game, apparently she has to win! so then just played horses with it Chris’s parents went back home, and the house seemed emptier.

Monday.
SB had holiday orchestra. i have decided that in the future, if i am off, i am not so keen on her going out, tho she loves it, because i miss her so . so i dragged everyone else off for a geocache, in the slightly nippy weather . we found it, all enjoyed it, and did us all good to get some bracing fresh air all completed with a pub lunch.

tues
dad had contemplated us all going bowling when SB returned, but daddybean took her shopping insteaad, a communication fail i think, and so the children played and grumped! they hadn’t known about bowling, were just all suffering from post christmas tiredness. TBH so was I, and starting to feel the need to have my own house back. after all, had guests for a week, and the days before they arrived had been in hospital with BB so was feeling an acute need to breathe!! did have a slight grump with daddybean and dad, but pulled it together

weds
a bit stressful as had my dermatology appt about what was poss an odd mole, but the dermatologist thinks maybe lupus [eek, hope not either] and so now waiting for a biopsy. the girls hung about in the cafe and shops, and got a film for us all to watch when we got home to do a duvet day at the very end And there, really, ended my christmas break.

I might add pictures, or i might not. this last week i contemplated giving up blogging, but reading what i wrote about last christmas, i felt it helped me for this. i have fallen apart, I am trying to remake, and nothing will be as it was. But I am still here, surrounded by loving family and friends, and that matters. It matters a lot. i may have shot bolts at work, who knows, but here, at home, i hve all that is important if not all that i would want, and not all the people I would want. Looking ahead to my new years post, i make only one resolution, tho it is a big one. i resolve to change from a glass half empty to half full. or at least try. i do think that i have made the most of my time, well to the best of my ability anyway, but i think that being more of a half empty kind of girl, constant vigilence is required! But that, I guess, is another blog post. Merry christmas to all my dear friends, who have helped to keep me going in what has been such an awfully tough time, as well as to my family, who i love with my whole heart.