Category Archives: General

I hate them. They colour the way I interact with the world. I have them too often, they disrupt my life and my work. i think my kids will remember me as the mummy who lay on the sofa with a flannel on her head . I HATE them. they are not, however, breast cancer.

So, yesterday, and important day at work, i had a migraine, was in bed unable to move until 2pm, and even then barely functioning despite maximal drugs. And again today, maximal drugs required, tho i managed to get up at 11. [just] i can feel it getting worse again. Actually the screen not so bad if i close left eye when i have had drugs, and brightness reduced, and i mostly touch type. so can do it with eyes closed, whell i think i can! apologise for wrong spellings!. it is sounds and smells more that upset.

i am sure trepanning would work. there is this huge pressure just infront of my left ear, and pain fires forewards into left eye predom from there. my left eye feels at least twice the size of the rigt, and it is stretching and pushing at the socket. all my teeth on the left side hurt. they all fire off little waves of pain , building to horrible peaks. but the eye is worse. if i press over my temporal artery, it can seem slightly better, partic with a cool facecloth. its not just the pain – tho that is horrific and far more incapacitating than labour was – but i am nauseated or actively vomiting. my head on the whole feels like lead, tho the brain is a tiny crystal in it, so if i should be crazy enough to move my head quickly [or cough] the crystal pings around sending sparks of pain in all directions. my speech isn’t right. sometimes it is slurred, sometimes i just can’t find or say the words. they aren’t in my brain – which is now cotton wool, or thick syrup to wade through to the right thought or action.
I can’t walk properly – though that’s the drugs, they seize up my muscles, going up or down stairs i feel 90. far better not to try. especially as i can’t judge distance at all. i have fallen down them before. falling down stars with a migraine is a v exquisite form of torture. i drop things, the table isn’t where i thought, or my hand just decides to let go. I can’t drive [yes i have tried, being so desperate not to take time off work] as i just can’t tell where cars are. the drugs make my jaws ache, i can’t drink or eat. i dont know whether it is drug or migraine any more, but i ge tthe wrong signals for heat, so washing hands etc a pain.

i just want to die. mostly i keep going, i have had migraines that have lasted a week before. usually 4 days, approx every 2 weeks. you have to keep going. mostly the drugs work enough that i pass. but not yesterday, or today. I hate migraines. but they are not breast cancer

It was supposed to be a family gardening day, so BB v helpfully went out and watered the greenhouse by herself. She applied some water fairly liberally to some little seedlings… however, she was helpful and proud that she had been and i was thankful and proud . Opening the greenhouse tho, it was v v sweltering, and neither girl could be enticed to pot up! We let the rabs out [as once i have planted things out on weds, am not certain when we can let them run free before rabbit protection up!] and they mostly flaked in the shade too.

So garden jobs – DH had rotovated land and now put bed 1 in, and has made the frames for 2-4 so will hopefully soon follow. I potted on pretty much everything that needed it, and made some more sowings. which took me to late lunchtime. In the interim, SB started, read and finished ballet shoes, and then did some origami, and BB bounced, played imaginative games with stretchy-man and patiently waited to do a science kit with me.

After lunch we did the science kit. I bought it years ago from ebay, and the seller had been really horrible, so i put it away in a cupboard! However, it is a rocket kit from DK, and despite being a bit fiddly it was rather fab – and worked!! BB did the simplest rocket with SB doing a far more complicated one with a glider. I think BB had hoped that they would actually go into orbit though… A lot of rocket popping ensued however, and much fun . Girls then retired to watch the clangers whilst we got the rabbits in and closed up the greenhouse.

A bath and a treat of tea in front of the telly – watching the latest Harry Potter [as requested by BB, though I don't think she really got it!]

SB got 87 for her grade 2 theory

It was fantastic to get away for a week to stay for a week with my parents, B-I-L and kids in a house with a pool . I so definitely needed it! work on top of me, and also v stressful. Also still feeling a bit outlooped and wobbly with the demise of latinetc. ANd mothers day, my mothers birthday and mine all in the same week, reminding me more of loss than anything else… So, this holiday had a lot of destressing to do!! Luckilly apart from a missed call and a text from work [grr to momentary panic] it achieved that.

We stayed in Mundesley, a rather lovely place in Norfolk. We stayed there in 2003 as well, with Little Nanny, and my sister [heavily pregnant] but no E or BB. So there were a couple of poignant moments thinking of what was and what we have lost. However, my sisters kids look great, E is def blooming again tho M is more difficult, as getting to those male about to go up to big school moments . Not that they don’t have the odd wobble here and there, but they are loved, supported, well fed and needs considered. On arrival all the kids dived into the pool [ok jumped as no diving!] and i think we managed 2 swims for the kids every day, and most adults went in once a day. A fair bit of swimming!! great to have the pool, and both E and BB’s confidence and swimming visibly improved. BB can swim pretty well, but has had wobbles about being out of her depth. I think these are resolved E had wobbles about removing her feet from the floor – also resolved . SB and M swim like fish, and so just had a lot of crazy fun. I had prepared some meals in advance, so the first night was spinach and feta lasagne – absolutely fab and delicious. glad there are 2 more in the freezer .

Sunday we went down to the beach as the weather was good. Crazy SB had a long swim in the sea and some boogie boarding. BB went in a bit, and M froze as no wetsuit. We wrapped them up thoroughly and warmed through before walking down the beach for a cafe lunch. more swimming after and a games evening for grown ups :). Monday we went to Amazonia zoo. I am a bit [ok more than a bit] ambivalent about zoos really, and felt that some of the animal spaces looked quite confined. it is new, and maybe things will improve, and some of the habitats def better than others, and on the whole well planned. think i would have been happier with the less is more thing iyswim. E loved it tho [and the trip was planned for her] SB was uncertain wrt the whole zoo thing too. afterwards more swimming .

Tuesday we went to Felbrigg Hall in the afternoon after a swimming and crafting morning – i think I have neglected to say i took a reasonable amount of easter crafts with me as well. This morning we made ‘faberge eggs’ with fimo. Anyway, we really enjoyed felbrigg, particularly as there was a wonderful lady in the sitting room who discussed anything and everything with SB and E, who asked loads of questions. M overtook quite quickly, and BB was hurried having had a major meltdown that her camera doesn’t take the kind of pics she wants it too. [i think we are going to have to upgrade there] . The whole house was v interesting to look round, and the ppl in the rooms enthusiastic and keen, and SB and E a delight really I am informed that BB perked up with all the stuffed birds tho! Outside we had an icecream and explored the walled garden. I always love walled gardens, and wish I had one, with the number of gardeners required!

Weds Uncle Robert came over for the day, we went down to the beach to play football/sandcastle, and then returned to the house, so the kids swam alot, and had a BBQ in the middle, which went down well. Uncle Robert is Little Nanny’s brother in law [married to Aunty Peggy] and he has got the age where he is ‘doing well’ . Was lovely to see him, and the day was also lovely, tho not quite so sunny as all the prev [obviously as we were doing a BBQ!] games afternoon and crafts as well, so a laid back middle. Thurs we had a trip to Blakeney to see the seals. tiny boat, and glad i had travel pills!! BB had a Major melt due to insufficiency of camera, but we did see loads of seals, and v close too, so was v happy. [iphone pic is poor, will substitute at some point!]

Friday a geocaching day, and we found 5 and set off 2 travelbugs. A beautiful walk over Norfolk fields. Parents went to Blickling [which i would have liked to go to too, so on my another time list]. Finished with icecreams and then a return to swim in the pool and a chippery tea. Bringing us finally to today and the return home. i have to say we had fab weather, i love my family, and do feel that i have had a good break [tho doubt the effect will last through the first email read]. We have had lots of happy moments and lots of laughter.

hmm!! this blog post is very late isn’t it. Unfortunately I have also forgotten most of the week, as it was particularly work related stressful! And the Greeks, I have been reliably informed that they were made up by historians! never mind, we have wonderful imagery Tues I do know that the manor born [-1] came to my house, had a rather late meal, a drink of wine etc etc, anyway, that means that my lot must have had djembe drumming . So weds was history. A dressing up day as well – lots of fab costumes. Rather taken with medusa [S] and v happy with SB being Nyresa [from shield of fire].

As I am rather behind with the blogging, i think I am going to skip the prose, and mostly find some visuals I loved the plaster of paris plaque paintings [even if my craft - lol] and the spanokopitas were delicious [bit overly buttery] loved the fimo representation of the 12 tasks of hercules, the lawful pediments and fab medusa masks and shields, and the peg dolls. Also loved the sounds of lots of children having fun and being friends.

On Saturday we went to Merry’s and celebrated the all too short life of baby Freddie, and remembered him in blowing bubbles and letting off helium balloons with our thoughts of or for Freddie written on them. It was a lovely moment letting them off and seeing them whisked straight into the sky. It was not a maudlin or moping event, and we hugged, ate cake and enjoyed the sunlight when it came out, discussing the inconsequential things that help the world go round. i hope it was what Merry and family had envisioned for the event. SB made what was apparently an absolutely delicious orange cake with orange drizzle icing [i didn't get to it in time!] and BB some buns, and lots of provided food. they both put lots of stars on the top for Freddie. Whilst adults hugged/chatted/drank tea, the children did a fair bit of djeco mosaics v happily. We stayed much later than planned. it was lovely to meet merry’s sister ‘in the flesh’ as it were. Merry and family, I so wish that this whole year had been completely different for you, many hugs and thoughts always x

We moved on to the manor born to help with a bit of party prep and then went swimming. I hummed and hawed about going in, and despite v v sensible advice to the contrary did so. I like swimming, and i like having all the time that i can around the girls. i miss them so much of my week, that i want to be present when i can. Both of them loved the inflatable, and bb was v proficient at it so i was v glad to be cheering them on and taking photos. BB was challenged to swim a length by R and so did, more or less, but needed to hold me for a breath 2ce. r swam without needing to tho! they had a lovely time playing together. SB also had a great time, and DH made the run a couple of times as well. Back to the manor for meal and chat and great conversation with friends. a lovely end to the day, and v impressed, as alwyas , with kfish cakes. got home v v late.

Today we got up as a family approx 11am – oops – to find the iphone borked, so tho was thinking might get texts re possible punting, couldn’t access them. oh well! DH would have stayed at home anyway to do jobs, and initially my head wasn’t conducive to driving. instead i had mothers day lunch and rang my mum for quite a while, and got a window dec from BB and a bag from SB but more importantly loads and loads of hugs . we decided that for mothers day [what was left!] we would garden, craft and watch a film. so SB pricked out the rest of her seedlings with encouragement, and I potted on the peppers. aubergines and BB’s sunflowers. BB trampolined and pond dipped. SB did some of her sewing crraft, bb chose to read a book!! and then ds snuggled up with me whilst i made a birthday card for my mum. a v chilled rest of day, and we watched ray mears in australia eating take out pizza. must go to bed now tho as working day tomorrow!

one of the problems with blogging is that sometimes the things that are filling up your brain and spilling out of your fingers are the things you can’t blog. and this is my problem right now. i have some well nigh impossible decisions and consequences at work in the have made and to make pile – i could do with an adviser tbh! and some of these would have profound consequences to home. Home itself also has number of pending decisions and outcomes. sometimes it is hard to even bring your brain to be vaguely in the now. possibly why i have had such a rotter of a migraine this weekend. but my lesson learnt from the death of my sister is that the now is the only place i am ever in, and therefore that at some point all those decisions will be crystalised in a now moment, as will the fallout.

ah bah.

should start with tues tho The kids and DH went to an animal sanctuary on a home ed visit. BB loved it, they had a good group and enjoyed the chat and got to stroke animals. the goats and chickens were her favourites. SB wasn’t quite so enthusiastic, I don’t think the leader of their group quite got the pitch right, and they also didn’t get to stroke things. BB did like going to the dog area, and seeing the area only for workers. BB has been to loads of things tho because the suit SB well, so not a bad thing to be the other way round. BB says daddy has said we can get chickens from there…

No idea what play eyc may have happened, needs an edit by DH but then there was BB’s hosp followup for the HSP she had before Xmas. She is doing well. Didn’t make it to swimming tho. I was v late back from work as well. V stressed this week about a number of things, need to simplify!

Anyway, moving on to today, we had a cooperative wednesday, with various families bringing bits to do to le ciel rouge. So I brought science and we did another of the RS4K chapters – on unmixing. the experiment wasn’t dramatically successful, so we did felt tip and water chromatography as a back up, and had a long chat about the experiment. I do like her texts, but a number of the experiments are not v exciting, and other things could be reasonably done that are more interesting… ANyway, also had spelling practice, which was enjoyed [a suprise that TBH!] and a request for more. Poetry, a french game or 2 [much enjoyed] sewing mother’s day bookmarks and a romp thro minimus chpt 1 with the youngest and r, and secundus chpt 1 and a discussion of verbs. SB and C did a bit of music theory first thing, there was a fair bit of trampolining and BB waas v taken by her replacement djeco craft kit. [thanks merry].

The kids got more time to play games, there was a relaxed but productive feel to it. i was a bit to stressy about some other things to react well to BB having desire to only do her new craft kit – which i should have just said yes to, but when my brain is on a loop it is hard to think properly at the best of times, let alone when there is wailing and wingeing!! However, she and Jpuddle seemed to be having a great time together. Need kids feedback as we do these sessions on what works and what doesn’t.

we came home to SB’s last brownies [sob at growing up so quickly!!] she had a lovely time, and gave out her buns for ppl to eat  [there were spares so i got one = delicious. vegan choc and cinnamon] and now she is at judo. i liked that when we were choosing adjectives to describe herself in latin she chose benignus. I like that. friendly is a good thing to be .