i had a compassionate leave day again today. work are being rather excellent and i am head in sanding about how much chaos this will cause. i will only have taken 4 days in the end for 2 deaths, so i guess i am not being too bad. but i am finding it hard not to grump and growl quickly. i have no tolerance, and am being crap unpredictable mum. aargh. i could at least use this time to be good mum.
anyhoo, i had a lie in/peace to reflect whilst chris and girls went to the library. bb did the craft thing making suns, and loads of new books. on return i was ready to interact. so we cuddled, bb watched her new vid, sb and i did some french and piano practice. after lunch they both got out their brainbox kits. sb ecstatic to make a mw radio and listen to tennis. also made a microphone. out to bb’s footie. her coach is v gentle with her. however after about 1/3 of lesson she was too hot and bothered and came out. sb did some nvr and read about alexander graham bell -one of her favs. the she taught bb to play duck duck goose, involving her shrieking ‘goose me bb, goose me’!!! giggle 
. another soon to be ex-homeducator was there. she home-edded for a temp purpose and it clearly was ace for her daughter, so congrats in order. she did point out there seemed to be huge amounts of fluff and waffle in the taster days! sb swimming – she is v good at backstroke. back home to icecream, ken hom and bed!
I just don’t think there is much room for being excellent at anything when you are waist deep in grief. Just moving is an effort. I think it is better to give in to it and just try and find your core again, get it straight and in some new form of strength and composure and then move forward when you are ready.
You don’t really get compassionate days to be home being a great mum, you get them because of the extreme requirement there is for unlimited sobbing. And it’s better to just do it, as you know it is. I know i’m only telling you what you know.
Lots of hugs Helen; you haven’t expected any of the rest of us to be perfect mums when we were beside ourselves with sadness and and we don’t expect it of you – nor will your kids. You’re doing a hell of a lot better than i did – you’ve still had people in your house and done things for people and taught us all science. I just abandoned everything..
More hugs, with a gentle salute
thanks merry. you do know that that only applies to other people, i am supposed to be perfect??
hugs always appreciated.