my sister passed away on friday, losing her battle with breast cancer, and she really did battle it, up to the last, denying that it could possibly tear her away from her children, who she was desperate to watch growing up. She tried everything possible, and remained positive for far longer than i think i could have managed. I loved her so very dearly, and although I knew this day would come, somehow I am still in total shock and devastation at being here.
She was the sister I loved, played with, argued with and laughed with. we were chalk and cheese over many things, yet had many things in common. we had music and our kids to bind us together, and being part of an embracing family. She was prettier and on the whole nicer, with a generous spirit and love. She was also grumpier!
I saw her last last weekend when I was deciding to go to a conference in canada. i was fairly certain i wouldn’t go, but when I was there she told me not to be so silly and to go, and bring her back something nice. In my heart and head I knew it would be a risk, but thought it would prob be OK, only 5 days after all. And I knew not to go when she asked me to would fail her, that she would know that i thought her death too imminent, so I went. By thurs i knew I was too far away for too long, though got no messages from home, but my heart was clutching with anxiety. i had a friday call from chris, which didn’t say anything was wrong. but by the time i queued for the plane i was agitated and worried. By then, she had slipped away. my mum and dad, her husband and children were present as she breathed her last. that morning she had said her last words, which were to her husband ‘have fun today’ which i think are pretty damn cool last words, though they are making me cry. I think most things will be making me cry for quite some time. Knowing for so long someone is going to die, and grieving for so long about it really don;t appear to lesson the awful grief now.
on the plane home I knew with certainty that when i switched my mobile on in baggage reclaim i would find that she had died. It was prophetic. I sat down on a chair, switched it on and saw 7 messages of condolence. most of my family had not contacted me, having decided dad would tell me when he drove me home, but those that didn’t know… several nice strangers offered me tissues and steered me sobbing to the right exit.
i saw her in the chapel of rest. she looked no different to less than a week ago. asleep perhaps, but her lips were pursed up in the way she did just before she asked for a cup of tea. she looked like she was still alive and thinking. It broke my heart anew.
so we are all struggling, my brother in law to hold things together, clutching at his children to keep the need to keep going onwards, his children, in shock and barely believing she won’t come back [a position i find myself in too] and my parents, who are about to bury a child. You just shouldn’t be predeceased by your children. They hurt with every pore in their body. It is just too hard.
I don’t plan to write many sobbing posts, I plan to make little steps that will lead me from here to a place where the sun can rise without me crying that this is another day my sister won’t see, to a future where between us all, my brother in law and my niece and nephew are whole and can carry on in life with beautiful memories and sadness also, but on the edge, rather than all we can see or feel. Thankyou for al the texts and messages. i can’t quite answer them, but i am v greatful for them.