Category Archives: vivien

love you always

happy birthday sis, always thought of, but especially so on your birthday.



i have been working this weekend, and i hope daddybean will be blogging friday, as they had a fab day being victorians :) . This week SB in partic has had a good home ed week, and done lots of things, and remembered lots! She has finished galore park history book 1, so will be starting on book 2, and has started learning grade 2 piano scales. They have done lots of spontaneous science stuff – with the primary and secondary electronics kits, with the gears and with some red cabbage water indicator [which turned into a volcano fest!!] a fair bit of lego and reading too.

P1110476 P1110478

the girls got up too late really to go to astronomy club, which is a real shame, but did do home ed type things. Mum and dad popped by on sat and stayed overnight, which the girls really happy with. played games – card games and pandemic. i did partic badly at donkey!! felt loved and wanted :) and SB showed off her grasp of the upper register on the recorder v nicely. After the girls had gone to bed, we discussed tricky stuff – appeals for nephew and what would i ask if panel and what would i answer as parent, what might we do for schooling for SB. [my parents not at all keen on secondary home ed, and i can entirely see where their worries come from] etc, and sadness over the loss of vivien. I love and miss you every day and with every breath my sister, your loss reverberates across the family. I still can’t and don’t believe you have gone xx 6 months of loss

P1110444 P1110441

today whilst i worked they went home and i think the girls mostly legoed, and did some home ed such that SB has a book this week :) . general playing with us, a piano lesson for SB, and watched an interesting prog about ppl of the deserts. DH and i maxxing credit card this eve by paying for canada trip – eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk [but still, :) ]

Protected: Mists and Memories

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Scrunching the leaves

my sister loved this time of year, and the falling leaves are just so very symbolic of loss. Been a bit of a struggly weekend, tho doing my best :) .

Today, orig, i had thought we might go out somewhere, but have instead stayed in, as SB wanted to ‘just spend time with me’ awwwww. SO that is what we did. She has spent a fair bit of time playing with paper dolls. But we also did a long time of recorder duets together – half the book! we would have done viola, but have mislaid the book [again!!] was trying to find a nice starter violin/viola duet book, but can’t. So instead we did clarinet, and yes, it does need a service :) and the piano. Following that significant amount of music, BB wanted to play bohnanza again with me, having done enough ‘penning‘ [another sign] so we did that and SB started a window mosaic. BB and I then read some of A City Through Time which seems to be currently on amazon at a phenomenal price… and BB very successfully read to me another 1b book :) [it didn't have 'the' in it! ] before we went out to play in the garden, scrunch leaves and adore baby bunnies! It did start raining even though all else sunny – very weird!

Back indoors we ate ponigramits [bb's] in the conservatory whilst SB did the primary maths challenge. i am quite proud of her. She sat happily and did it for the allotted time, wasn’t stressed or worried and just carried on with it. A bit more stress and she might have concentrated slightly more, as she got 4 questions wrong she could do upside down waving her feet about – and even went doh when i went through them doing a quick check when she got a different [right] answer!! lol! I think she has got 15 tho even with the doh moments, and perhaps we should have done a few practices to get her head into gear, but I am proud of her relaxed and happy approach to it, and the fact that if she had engaged brain [on some of the easiest questions!!] she might have done :roll: and giggle ]

SB ate her pomegranate, and BB and I played settlers of catan, which she did quite well at, tho couldn’t see the point :) so we went back to bohnanza, sb went to playing with paper dolls and then we watched merlin. A very relaxed day indeed. I start my phased return tomorrow, tho actual work on tues. It is right that i get back into it, but very hard.

I just loved this pic of SB. I *love* that girl!


Protected: Contemplating

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


i have put up the photos of vivien’s funeral on flickr. Such a hard set to put up. Just cannot stop crying. How can it be that my sister is dead. in the end I still couldn’t actually look at the pictures, so they are tagged with everyone there. i also decided to use my vivien tag again, as it was all about her, how much we loved her and how much we miss her. We all spent the service sobbing, and at the wake, deliberately celebrated being a family and friends and her life. So if we look happy, smiling and laughing, they are all bought with much effort. And in part to rebalance after such an emotionally devastating experience. It doesn’t mean we loved her less.

I can’t yet look at the pictures, but they are done.

Concerts and Continuity

we went down to my parents for the weekend. They have been much worried about me, and I think they are reassured that all will be OK given some time and a better break! We went for the 25th anniversary concert of an orchestra mum and I were founder members of, and viv joined a bit later. I had a lovely time playing before with them, including the first mvt of beeethovens violin concerto :) and even after i left, returned for a number of concerts, including
the 10th and the 20th reunion concerts, both with mum and sister. Mum and I [and viv as offer made in July] were asked if we would like to play this time. we said no, tho i sort of wish we had said yes, tho on the other hand the tchaik 1 is total nightmare – and that was the only bt we thought we would be playing, but as it turned out those returners played the whole concert, including mendelsohn violin [ooh] and butterworth banks of green willow [aah]. Anyway, mum, dad and I took SB with us, and enjoyed the whole concert, and SB was really good at not jiffling and looking interested, even tho tchaik 1 on the turgid side! but what reduced us to tears was the dedication of the green willow – a strings heavy piece – to my dear sister vivien. :cry: Still SAK as i write this. I think all 3 of us had tears dripping down through the whole piece, beautiful that it is.

Once we had recovered – in the lovely Mendelssohn, we could enjoy the rest of the concert. it was fab meeting people again, some who we had seen recently at viv’s funeral, but some others that i went to music centre, or were taught by. And also one of mum’s school friends there too. After the concert, all old members were invited ‘backstage’ to enjoy some champagne to toast the longevity of the orchestra and hug previous friends and desk partners :) and too our total shock, mum and i got flowers as founder members!! SB found all this chatting bit quite boring. luckilly i took ds for her :) .

we got home late to find BB still awake, so i sang her to sleep – aw like doing that :) and SB went to sleep fairly instantly too.

next day chatting and playing games with my parents. SB caught up her 25 on this weeks ticksheet by doing 2 piano pracs, verbal reasoning and spelling book – good girl!! [actually took her to 28]. Dad set up a measuring and finding game in the garden which they both enjoyed. SB was a bt tierd and fragile with wailing at every knock, and BB had a right roayl strop, so i told her off for being ungrateful and greedy :smile: oh well!! lovely lunch from mum.

We then took a too boisterous BB and a slightly droopy SB on a geocache walk with my mum, a lovely walk across fields near where they live. i remember doing this walk loads as a child, and then courting chris I think we went too as a short cut to a nice pub. Rather more hideous memories of it being the cross country route of middle school! Actually the middle school maintain this geocache, and we found it easily, exchanged tat, and put in the daddybean TB. As we walked back, we walked past the scout hut, and the road to it has been named after a friend and neighbour who died suddenly in 50′s – another tearful moment. SO feeling quite a memory lane weekend, and wish that you could sometimes just pop back in time, just to relive and feel the moments, not necessarily to change.

straightforward drive home, and my fav [i think, tho this does change!] overture played on classic fm. i will leave you wth that at end! girls in bed, but not asleep. rabbits all safe, and chrs and i cold, so heating on from 2moro!

part one

part 2

Protected: loving and missing

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


fri my BIL and E and M arrived!! woohoo!!! previously on friday, there was a significant amount of time spent tidying the girls room [AKA heavy duty parental shrieking~!] – and it looked way better for it! and sorting out books. SOme piano prac and rabbit care too, but mostly tidying and hoovering – including the latest influx of dead bees! We have a wild honeybee colony living at the top of our chimney in a disused pipe. they have been here for 5 years now – longer than anticipated as untreated for varroa, and about this time, all the ones not required for surviving over the winter die off, usually in our conservatory! haven’t seen them swarm the last 2 years, but loads of bee activity this year, so next year they might be strong enough as a colony.

Got lost there didn’t we! anyway, after a great deal of excited waiting, they arrived – cue screaming, racing around like loons etc etc!! unfortunately i had to go out to a leaving do of a v much loved and respected colleague – so much so that i did actually go. felt odd going out, as really not in the mood. and well, i felt a bit unsettled all the following day too. such is life!

so the next day, we set about having fun. lots of running about playing games, cuddling baby rabbits [a lot of that as E adores rabbits!], i had a craft, which will become available on playmerrily! but i couldn’t wait and bought from amazon, and it is really, really fab! we all had a great time doing them. i would recommend! hoping merry might stock birds of paradise one at some point [couldn't split the girly ones!] anyway, SB did the chinese one, BB the mexican, M the alaskan and E the australian.

they didn’t do it quite all in one sitting tho, we also had E and BB watch high school musical for a bit, playing sardines, doctor who, vets, more rabbit cuddling, collecting seeds and looking at them under the microscope – that was a huge hit actually, and various kids came back again and again to look at different things. M wanted to do the yeast experiment that we hadn’t done last time, so we did that, collected the carbon dioxide into balloons, and then proved was CO2. all v home ed! nice easy bed time for the kids. we adults played Alhambra, v much enjoyed. I had a single limoncello, and must have gone directly to my head, so we were never that sure of final scoring, so declared a draw, with much hilarity! [it seems to be v cheap on amazon at the mo!]

i tried a sleeping tab, not sure how it worked, tho did sleep thro, but left funny taste in mouth and then have had migraine today, not sure if related. uncertain whether to try again tonight. trying to get out of a month of sleeplessness into a better position, as that might help me move on a bit.

SO today we decide to do a bit of cobweb blowing and go for a walk. not entirely the best decision as BB suffering from 2 minimal sleeps and on a knife edge for self control… BIL was interested in the idea of geocaches – and gadgets! Anyway, we were aided by finding all 3 of the caches we looked for, and they all had swaps too. made the kids find it v fun. we placed SB’s travelbug in there, and hope it travels well. There was a really, really muddy bit tho, so wellies def required wear!
We nearly went for a 4th, M and SB v keen, but BB had a major wobble cos E had chosen the thing she wanted… and then E getting a bit tired walking, so turned back. good thing too, as started to rain as we got to cars, so this way did it as a fun highpoint rather than a chore!!

we got home, they left and i collapsed with the migraine that had been worsening. Chris and SB played a fab game of alhambra,which she v enjoyed, and BB fell asleep infront of tv and i slept for 5 hours! when woke up, realised the pain in my soul was worse, that i had enjoyed the weekend, but that there was no Vivien in it. no sister ever again. And it hit me anew, that i was bereft. so i struggled this eve. lots of snuggles from girls whilst watching a birds dvd. And SB wrote me such a beautiful letter that i cried and nearly made her sad, but i told her it was because it was so precious and i loved her lots. love my girls x x

vivien, i miss you, and nothing will ever change that, but you would be proud of how well your kids and stewart are doing, and we had a fun weekend of laughter and camaraderie, and hopefully there will v many more to come.

Protected: Month

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: