Petits Haricots

this weekend i went off to my parents to stay. had a reasonable drive down listening to explorers and inventors and then popping bb straight into bed! i stayed up way to late talking to mum, and having group hug therapy. this proved to be a mistake as bb woke up before 6am, and therefore i had to too. my sis and her children came over on the sat, so had a lovely time. we drank wine, enabled the children to get totally drenched in the garden! took advantage of the road party for the kids to wear themselves out totally with just under an hour on a bouncy castle – and in that heat! and more splashing and laughing. i forgot my camera, and may or may not get a photo or 2 from mum or sis.

the next day was more of the same for bb and cousin e, but sb and m were taken to the golf driving range by my dad, and sb got a driver ‘golf stick’ and will have a few lessons. she was really enthusiastic about it. he then took them to a junior jazz concert, which she also really enjoyed. i love seeing dad and sb doing things together.

dreadful drive home – listening to scientists! and then phew a relax. bb still resolutely awake- well they both are unfortunately!

we had a lovely and relaxed latin day. we made some glue and snot from milk and then messed about with non-newtonian liquids. we thought a bit about polymers and plastics and wandered off topic abit. then the kids all played in the paddling pool for the rest of the time really. a lovely laid back day. i didn’t weep that much – so good a at work tomorrow, and need a work face back.

obviously spending the evening listening to possible hymns increased the grieving again. i wonder if we can do 4 verses of abide with me? nanny wanted the lord is my shepherd – not sure which version music, and think 1 more should be ok. other thought is lord of all hopefullness

It must be all those years of the same cleaning products, or something, but little nanny’s house has always had a certain fragrance. if i was transported there, i would know immediately by smell. It was odd going there, as my mum and aunt had already started the packing away of nick nacks and treasures. little nanny collected brass, and although she gave away the horse brasses a few years back to a more or less stranger, there were the treasures on the mantelpiece that had always piqued the children’s interest. They were told they could choose some, and then played with their choices oh so carefully. i missed little nanny. she should have been in her chair, and it seemed almost a desecration that her house was being unpicked. she has lived there since just before aunty margaret was born and the house has had few changes since really my teens. apparently my nan had worried that no-one would want her treasures, except that helen, who will want to keep everything the same! she knew me well. i do want everything to keep the same. i took the girls round the house with far more freedom than when little nanny was alive. they hid in the cupboards, and i pointed out how we had slept all those christmasses ago, and bb wanted a sleepover with little nanny too. sob. she had always kept the last cards from grandad, so i took a picture of those, as something she had cherished. and then i found all of mine – bigger sob. not that i will keep them, i have her last card, of course. i put the card to her she will never read on her mantelpiece though, as if , somehow, she will hear the words, that i loved her so, and still do, that she was a wonderful nanny, none better, that i was so glad we had her for so long etc. i know, she knew i thought that anyway. the girls have back some of the hama things they made her, and i have back those little fimo owls that i have only just made her for her birthday. it just seems so, well awful, the division of the spoils. all i want is a hug, not the sewing machine!

anyway, the girls were lovely and well behaved, and made us laugh. i need to be better with SB tomorrow though, as being so sensitive, she really hasn’t had any of my attention, and yet she has given me loads of lovely hugs. bless her. bb has too, they are lovely girls. i have had my grieving time, and now must show them the life moves on with your loved one in your heart bit. you know, i was absolutely awful at goodbyes all my life. nanny used to make up games for when she and grandad left so that i wouldn’t cry so much.

so, we met, hugged, and put some more happy scenes into little nanny’s home, which has been so full of happiness over many years. if houses have karma, then that house should be a happy one. i will go again with wine to do the last of the house clearance type stuff with mum just before the funeral, and to say a last goodbye to a house filled with loads of happy memories. seems perhaps a bit silly, but it helps.

anyway, this has been a somewhat meandering post.