Petits Haricots

IMG_1586, originally uploaded by Scrumbledelicious.

it might be a bit hard to see, but she was really proud of doing this

I haven’t gardened all year, i haven’t weeded, pruned, planned or planted. Some how, it became one of those things that I couldn’t do whilst my sister was living and then, finally, dying. Commenting on Merry’s blog reminded me that i can now start again, start preparing for next year, can start planning for things that will see the sun that my sister no longer can enjoy. I have paused my life really in many areas for the last 18 months or so, certainly since the time little nanny died, and my sister was told palliation only. Gradually unfurling the tendrils of interest is difficult. i would prefer just to stay in my comfort zone of cuddling girls, reading books and watching stuff together, plus some crafting. I don’t want to leave the house- even to go into the garden, I don’t want to go to work – even tho once there i enjoy the actual job I do. i also don’t want to move on, plant things for a future, plan things for a future. I want to stay here, now, cocooned forever from further loss.

obviously, I know that isn’t sensible, that life goes on, that it is important to make the most of each and every day of life, because each day will only come that once. in this time i haven’t done ‘nothing’ i have lived and laughed and loved my sister, I have played with and nurtured both hers and my children, making our house a ‘homely house’ banked with the warmth of love against the cold desolation of loss, I hope we have had warmth and welcome with our friends and family. but i haven’t extended, or suggested we pop new shoots and tendrils into new places. I think, tho, that we have prevented frost damage and die back: we may not have extended ourselves, but have still strong roots and growth potential.

So now, as this year draws to a close, I am preparing, i am getting my strength to be a full working colleague at work, We are getting bits of the garden ready so next year there isn’t a huge mountain of ‘work’ to do before we can get our hands dirty to see things grow. We are making plans for DIY within the house. And when I have strengthened myself in these easiest of areas, we shall see where roots and shoots go next.

BB’s birthday didn’t go quite as planned. her cousins had chickenpox, and she had been v excited about them coming
However, we got up, and she was v happy to see presents in front of the fireplace, and opened a few of them, planning to save the rest. SHe liked the craft kids, was overjoyed by the chocolate bar [grin] adored the sylvanians and was excited by the lego – see she didn’t save any of the presents I was v pleased that I could watch her open the sylvanian windmill from my sister without sobbing. obv used up the sobs last night. She also loved the dinosaur duvet set and matching fleece blanket. All in all v successful!! She and SB got started putting the windmill together and playing a happy game, and were rather put out when we interrupted, until we said it was to see a film.

We went to see ‘despicable me’ in 3d, and we all enjoyed it. TBH, I loved it. It was a fun film, with a giggling premise and only a couple of moments of pathos. i actually laughed! BB was snuggled against me too, which was nice . I would def recommend this film.

After that we returned home and chris’s parents came across to give BB their present – a fab doll. BB has asked for a doll on and off, and has gone through dolly episodes before, so we suggested this, and she is absolutely delighted, playing with her for ages. made SB play more with her doll as well. both are from playmerrily – BB and SB so we enjoyed watching them play and have fun. birthday tea was BB’s choice of cheesy pasta and then birthday cake. By then she [and SB] starting to flag, so it was a bit of a tired and waily BB that we took to bed – though she denied this

Happy birthday sweetheart

It is easy to remember BB’s birthday, as it is the day that daddybean started the blog initially i was rather dismissive, after all, who would read it , and we would never keep it up. I am not often wrong but i do admit to it on this occasion – giggle!! 6 years and this currently says it is the 2275 blog post – not bad for something I wasn’t sure would keep going!

SO why has it worked??

I guess because there are 2 of us blogging. Daddybean has been less regular at blogging of late, and I am trying to encourage him to return. He IS the main home educator, even if recently mine has been the main voice here. We see things differently, do things differently and yet the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. You just can’t tell that from just me. I am more ‘schooly’ and he is more ‘freeform’ and I think that is one of the strengths of how we go.

it has worked, perhaps, because we are careful in what we write, that we don’t wish to open windows to the inner sanctum of how the family works. We don’t blog the grumps and groans of wider family and work life. it could be argued that this is therefore a ‘pollyanna’ blog, maybe, but it is a pretty real representation of us.

It has worked because in blogging we have made new friends, good friends who have supported us through the difficult, laughed with [and at] us in the joyous, cried with us and we have laughed, cried and supported them too. Then in real life we have met, broken bread [and more importantly cake and chocolate] and drunk wine [lots]. This community is sustained through blogging. Although we might tweet or BK also, the who we are and where we are is there on our blogs and we keep real to each other that way to keep us going until the next cakefest/meet.

finally it has worked because as the blog has kept going, even though i may be one of the most boring bloggers in the ring, we can see it as a message to our future children that we loved and cared for them, and that we worried, hoped and worked to make the best now we could give them to hopefully give them the best options for the future, even if we are proved wrong in the end. One day our voices will be stilled, and even if this blog stutters and changes as they get older and perhaps wish for less discussion of their lives on it, it will remain for them, hopefully, a celebration of our family.

So, thankyou blog, writing you seems like a chore at times, reading you might also seem like a chore at times but in whatever guise you are in currently, i am glad we have got this far

what is BB, butterbean for the chubby baby, blessing baby for the second miracle success of treatment, bouncing bean, for all her energy? She is gorgeous, adorable, frustrating and utterly unique Her addition to our happy family has been a great joy, the much wanted sibling SB begged for and we had hoped for without necessarily expectation.

At 6 she is a walking contradiction still, the girl with the curl. She can be adorable, loving, sunny and smily, with her cutie dimple and beaming smile and then lose it in a second over something we struggle to notice as a problem. She plays endlessly and happily imagination games and can really concentrate on a craft, she loves playing with SB and is still v v keen on dinosaurs, lizards and amphibians, though big cats and rabbits get a look in too now. She is a musical little dot, and is often singing and humming as she plays or crafts. Ah, crafting, i am amazed at what she can produce on her own with crafting. I do sometimes help, as she has v exact expectations at times and this can frustrate her. She has had a pic published in a magazine and got a blue peter badge on the back of her painting skills.
She is still most comfortable staying close to home, and not really keen to join groups, apart from swimming and gym. She prefers to stay reasonably close to a parent until she ‘warms up’ which can take quite a long time. She is v physically affectionate and also ticklish. I adore her for her impish and intransigent nature. Even when feel driven up the wall and to the back of beyond she can deflate this with a smile. yes, she has me she has all of us

Happy Birthday BB

20041120-04_edited-1, originally uploaded by Scrumbledelicious.

Happy Birthday BB!! x x x x x