Author Archives: HHaricot

we have been away! we spent a weekend at a forest campsite with the porticos before moving on to charmouth to fossil!

we really needed a relaxing and regrouping time, and were lucky enough to get that. time to breathe really! the forest park bit was mostly spent cycling around the road, drinking tea and chatting. bb in particularly loves the opportunity to just cycle wildly around, and campsite roads are perfect. she often persuaded gwenny to cycle with her – who luckilly realised bb must always ‘win’, and i did some circuits on my lovely bike too. SB did a fair bit of games playing with ernest, and bb, buttercup and sb did convoluted games with schleich elves and such like. we did try a cycle ride in the forest which started well, until bb had a small strop about continuing, so we waited for chris to sort out trailgator and the others played swingin and jumping over trees and branches quite happily. a toilet need and a puncture meant we had to retire without really getting anywhere, but low key and relaxed anyway!!

next day we went to see some ‘wet stones’ at avebury – but actually didn’t rain much so were nice and dry. the children mostly ran about and rambled and pretended to listen to a short description of what they were seeing and the highlight for them was running up and down the huge ditch. gwenny and i talked about brains and pickling them- giggle, so i did at least educate one child! BB got her first bit of retail therapy in – nannabean had given them 10 each, and it was burning a hole in her pocket. she got some stones to share [which she did, bless] and some shark teeth which she loved.

picnic by the cars and then a debate about where to go next, which saw us off to caen locks as recommended by porticos. the high point for the girls was being allowed t open and shut 2 of the locks by one of the canal boats going through. oh, and the ice cream. bit rainy that night, but fine enough to take tent down in the morning, wave the porticos good bye and set off to charmouth.

we did, unfortunately, have a crisis on the drive down, chris had left bb’s shark teeth on the roof, and on driving off from the service station the inevitable happened… BB was disconsolate, in a very noisy and angry way for the next 2 hours…

i am limbo-ed at the moment. prob still stuck in grief, i don’t actually want time to move forward, moving me further away from nanny and her memory and love, and moving me forwards well, to somewhere i just don’t want to be considering at the moment.

however, i am determined that though i wish to be stuck in time, that i still want to love, play and grasp the day with my family. life is there to be lived to the full. i might not really be managing to, but i am trying, and i am very much hoping not to cast a gloom across family and friends.

at the weekend, we were a trifle gloomy though, going to get things from little nanny’s house. me and the girls went to entertain mum, and try and keep her going. although we had some communal weeping over family matters, we went out and about with the girls, and visited the church where she married and i was christened. the girls liked that. mum put in a prayer card. later that day the church was burgled and the silver stolen. honestly, how can people do that?

chris and dad were ably helped by Max – bless him, i’m sure he had no idea what he had signed up to!! and managed to get pretty much everything into the van and off. came back to merry’s sunday roast – giggle – atake away pizza, and had a chill out end to the day. helped keep me sane anyway.

mon was a work day for me, but the girls had sport, streetdance and then the home ed sports day – which even a few gallons of rain didn’t dampen. tho bb called down the forces of the gods when the icecream van drove off as she was waiting…

today the girls had their haircut. sb is very short and layered – and it looks utterly fab. bb’s is a bit layered but not so different.

and then we set off for little nanny’s funeral. my sister couldn’t be there, so that seemed like a huge gap. but the service was lovely. the vicar was v good actuallly – i think he is a vicar, it was a sort of c of e service at the crematorium. my nan wasn’t a church goer at all, and i have no idea if she had a belief. but, like us all, she did adore hymns. we had the lord is my shepherd, and a last minute plea from aunty margaret for i vow to thee my country. there may not have been many of us there – nanny had lost all of her closest friends, but some of her neighbours came, she has 2 remaining siblings, reggie came, but phyllis is too old to trek from newcastle, her b-i-l, uncle robert [peggy's husband] did come, and it was lovely to see him again. i gave robert and reggie big hugs, as with little nanny gone, i probably won’t meet them again. reggie i only met at aunty peggy’s funeral, but robert has been a constant. her remaining niece [liz from germany] and nephew came, as did one of their children, and obviously all of us direct descendents apart from my dear sis and family. and i think most of us sobbed our way through the ceremony, and afterwards hugged each other a lot. the girls cheered us all up afterwards by being a little too wild in the rain… and then back to little nanny’s house as a reduced gathering, where we all started to face up to life without nanny, which currently seems a bleak place to be. thankyou for all the wellwishing friends on brightkite, facebook and privately. i have been very touched.

this weekend i went off to my parents to stay. had a reasonable drive down listening to explorers and inventors and then popping bb straight into bed! i stayed up way to late talking to mum, and having group hug therapy. this proved to be a mistake as bb woke up before 6am, and therefore i had to too. my sis and her children came over on the sat, so had a lovely time. we drank wine, enabled the children to get totally drenched in the garden! took advantage of the road party for the kids to wear themselves out totally with just under an hour on a bouncy castle – and in that heat! and more splashing and laughing. i forgot my camera, and may or may not get a photo or 2 from mum or sis.

the next day was more of the same for bb and cousin e, but sb and m were taken to the golf driving range by my dad, and sb got a driver ‘golf stick’ and will have a few lessons. she was really enthusiastic about it. he then took them to a junior jazz concert, which she also really enjoyed. i love seeing dad and sb doing things together.

dreadful drive home – listening to scientists! and then phew a relax. bb still resolutely awake- well they both are unfortunately!

we had a lovely and relaxed latin day. we made some glue and snot from milk and then messed about with non-newtonian liquids. we thought a bit about polymers and plastics and wandered off topic abit. then the kids all played in the paddling pool for the rest of the time really. a lovely laid back day. i didn’t weep that much – so good a at work tomorrow, and need a work face back.

obviously spending the evening listening to possible hymns increased the grieving again. i wonder if we can do 4 verses of abide with me? nanny wanted the lord is my shepherd – not sure which version music, and think 1 more should be ok. other thought is lord of all hopefullness

It must be all those years of the same cleaning products, or something, but little nanny’s house has always had a certain fragrance. if i was transported there, i would know immediately by smell. It was odd going there, as my mum and aunt had already started the packing away of nick nacks and treasures. little nanny collected brass, and although she gave away the horse brasses a few years back to a more or less stranger, there were the treasures on the mantelpiece that had always piqued the children’s interest. They were told they could choose some, and then played with their choices oh so carefully. i missed little nanny. she should have been in her chair, and it seemed almost a desecration that her house was being unpicked. she has lived there since just before aunty margaret was born and the house has had few changes since really my teens. apparently my nan had worried that no-one would want her treasures, except that helen, who will want to keep everything the same! she knew me well. i do want everything to keep the same. i took the girls round the house with far more freedom than when little nanny was alive. they hid in the cupboards, and i pointed out how we had slept all those christmasses ago, and bb wanted a sleepover with little nanny too. sob. she had always kept the last cards from grandad, so i took a picture of those, as something she had cherished. and then i found all of mine – bigger sob. not that i will keep them, i have her last card, of course. i put the card to her she will never read on her mantelpiece though, as if , somehow, she will hear the words, that i loved her so, and still do, that she was a wonderful nanny, none better, that i was so glad we had her for so long etc. i know, she knew i thought that anyway. the girls have back some of the hama things they made her, and i have back those little fimo owls that i have only just made her for her birthday. it just seems so, well awful, the division of the spoils. all i want is a hug, not the sewing machine!

anyway, the girls were lovely and well behaved, and made us laugh. i need to be better with SB tomorrow though, as being so sensitive, she really hasn’t had any of my attention, and yet she has given me loads of lovely hugs. bless her. bb has too, they are lovely girls. i have had my grieving time, and now must show them the life moves on with your loved one in your heart bit. you know, i was absolutely awful at goodbyes all my life. nanny used to make up games for when she and grandad left so that i wouldn’t cry so much.

so, we met, hugged, and put some more happy scenes into little nanny’s home, which has been so full of happiness over many years. if houses have karma, then that house should be a happy one. i will go again with wine to do the last of the house clearance type stuff with mum just before the funeral, and to say a last goodbye to a house filled with loads of happy memories. seems perhaps a bit silly, but it helps.

anyway, this has been a somewhat meandering post.